My name is Kevin. I’m Kevin Mathew Haas.
My last name does not rhyme with moss.
It does not rhyme with floss.
To say so makes me cross.
Many regard me as the motherfucking boss.
I enjoy a little of the sauce.
In fact, my last name — Haas —
rhymes with gauze.
(This should give you pause.)
It also rhymes with laws.
I, Kevin Mathew Haas,
liked The Wizard of Oz
but did not particularly care for Jaws,
which I saw when I was seven.
My name is Kevin.

Editors note: the preceding was a poem I wrote about my co-worker Kevin — the Bob Ross of bartending, the Meatloaf of mixology, the William Shakespeare of sauce-slinging, the Kenny Chesney of the craft cocktail.


  • micky

    March 6, 2013

    I thought I was reading Dr, Seuss for second there.

    Workers who care make the days fare.

  • Ray

    March 6, 2013

    Aloha, Micky! It’s good to see you, friend. Thank you.

    And thank you for dropping by.

  • micky

    March 7, 2013

    I was watching Chef Ramsay rescue some high end house in Scotland where he used the bartender to make a point to the chef who kept destroying very high quality cuts of meat and seafoods with overly complicated and busy sauces.
    He ordered a very rare and aged Scotch from the bartender(the name escapes me) and asked for a splash of soda in it.
    The bartender refused to do anything to the Scotch that would take away from its quality.
    He denied Ramsays request. Ramsay commended him for his decision to not defile the Scotch.
    The whole incident was used as an example to the chef whose recipes were defeating the purpose of having the freshest most expensive seafoods and meats around.
    Long story short.
    The scene at the bar made me think of you.

    On another note.
    Until the Marxist in Chief went around spreading his recent list of looming catastrophes I thought the Bible and Global Warming were the greatest stories ever told.
    I heard he was invited to Venezuela to be a pallbearer. Maybe that’ll be the one day in 4 years we dont have to listen to him ?


  • Nick

    March 10, 2013

    That’s even better than your poem about that guy from Nantucket!

  • Ray

    March 11, 2013

    It’s like my mom always used to say:

    Two tears in a bucket?

    Motherfuck it.

  • Dave

    March 18, 2013

    Leslie and I want to know when Trista’s is coming out!?

  • Ray

    March 18, 2013

    Hi Dave!

    Believe it or not, I did entertain writing a ditty for each of the entire A.G. staff, but to be honest I don’t know that I have the stuff. Still, I haven’t entirely ruled it out. Kevin’s practically wrote itself.

    Thank you for dropping by.

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