Valedictorian Speech That Will Change Your Life: To the Graduating Class of 2017

Young women and men of the graduating class of 2017: You are the magic. You are the one. You are the magic and the fun. You are meant to be happy. You are meant to enjoy your life, before it’s done. So please, for goodness sake, have fun. You are a tightly packed pod of…

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The Art of Being Interesting

The first installment of Whiskey Wisdom is ready at last — CLICK-CLICK! It’s brief but penetrating, and so download it now: PDF, ePub, or Kindle.

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Are You Fascinating?

Well, are you, punk? Or are you boring as hell? How, furthermore, can you tell? How can you tell if you’re an inveterate bore, or if you’re just in a kind of long-term funk? Much of what we hear about commanding attention and the power to fascinate is theoretical and abstract, a sort of psychological…

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The Most Interesting Dog in the World

His bite is louder than his bark, which is saying a lot …

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Whiskey Wisdom and the Secret Key to the Lock of Life

For you, the secret of life was never a secret, quite, because for you it always seemed natural — not necessarily easy, of course, but obvious, and obviously right. It never mystified you, perhaps because you learned long ago that your body is a ship, your brain the pilot at the tip. Which is why…

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Whiskey Wisdom: How to be the Smartest Person in the Bar

(The following is excerpted from Whiskey Wisdom: A Bartender’s Guide to Living Ravenously) You can spot her from a mile away, the smartest person in the bar — or, if not quite from a mile away, nonetheless from very far. She doesn’t necessarily think of herself as smart. Still, her brain is carefully crafted —…

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Putting the Cock Back in Cocktail: I Wish You Love

In bartending, as in life, the fundamental things apply. And time goes by. Thank you for watching.

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Moonraker, Mountain Dew, Moonshine, or White Lightning?

This article first appeared in the Coloradoan newspaper. If it shed any light on the subject at all — and it doesn’t remotely — I might be tempted to elaborate on the actual term “moonshine,” and where it originated: i.e. rural England (circa 1780), when country smugglers hid illicit barrels of French brandy in shallow…

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A Green Fairy Named Absinthe

This article first appeared in the Coloradoan newspaper, which took a tomahawk to it and ruined it. You won’t like absinthe if you don’t like black licorice. Absinthe — mint-green star in a constellation of multicolored bottles, over-proofed, over-hyped, overrated, mythologized, mystified and then demystified — won’t, all reports to the contrary notwithstanding, make you…

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The Book of Dog: One of Us?

If Dog had a name, what would it be? Brought to you by the College of Subversive Knowledge. Subscribe!

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Wodka!

This article first appeared, in slightly altered form, in the Coloradoan newspaper. The Polish call it wodka. The Russians call it vodka. The word itself comes from the slavic voda — meaning “little water” — and, like water, vodka is colorless, odorless, and often enjoyed ice-cold. Distilled from fermented potatoes, or fermented grains (like rye…

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Political Cow: Episode 3

Here’s another method by which you can demonstrate that health care isn’t a right: Brought to you by the College of Subversive Knowledge.

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Political Cow (Episode 2): Demonstrating in 60 Seconds that Health Care is NOT a Right

At last, Episode 2 of Political Cow, in which cow discusses one of the many ways one can quickly and easily show that health care is not a right: Brought to you by the College of Subversive Knowledge. Subscribe!

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Horsehead History: Episode 2

She wasn’t always green, and her full name is “Liberty Enlightening the World” — and that’s only the beginning:

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Putting the Cock Back in Cocktail: Mojitos, Daiquiris, Rum Sours, and More!

This video was made for a recent article, which was rather deplorably edited, and which I therefore reprint below as it was originally written. Getting Numb With Rum Rum, like the hangovers it can create, is a side-effect, a by-product: a by-product of the juice that comes from sugarcane. And that, really, is one of…

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