Small Penis, Big Belly

A reader writes:

Dear Ray Harvey: I’m one of these guys with a big belly and an extremely small penis. I’m heterosexual, and I drive a truck for a living. I do not get a lot of exercise. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been pained by the size of my penis. I’m seriously considering surgical augmentation (in my late thirties). Do you have particular thoughts on this issue? Should I, or shouldn’t I?

— Dick Weed

P.S. Pumps don’t work.

Dear Dick Weed: Indeed, I do have very particular thoughts on this issue, despite the fact that, as fate would have it, my problem is the opposite of yours. My thoughts are these:

Don’t do it.

Quoting from the gospels:

“A man’s life consisteth of more than the size of his dick” (The Gospel According to Ray, Chapter 1, Verse 1).

Didn’t you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?

Listen, Mr. Weed, when it comes to satisfying a woman, you know the commandments:

Don’t stampede the clitoris.

Don’t neglect the labia.

I give you a new commandment now: The journey is the way.

Truckdriver, that’s an old German dictum, and what it means is something I’d like for you to take with you from here on out, every time you enter your bedroom, your wife, or your rig:

Sex is not a race, and intercourse isn’t the only kind of sex. There are plenty of things you can do with your lug nuts, your digits, your tungsten wires, and I’m not just blowing your horn when I say that.

At a bar where I once worked, a customer told me that his penis was only three inches — but he swore up and down that most women didn’t like it that thick.

Mainly, Mr. Weed, what I’m suggesting to you is this: learn to enjoy the journey, because the journey is the way; your penis is only a small part of it (so to say).

Slow her down, friend, and I promise that your extremely small penis will be all the penis she needs. It’s not as if you’re trying to make Amarillo by morning (or are you?) Enjoy the process, soup-to-nuts, because as you know, the end will come soon enough, and all ends are bitter.

Now keep on trucking, big daddy.



10 Comments

  • BedazzledCrone

    March 3, 2010

    my morning laugh!!

    good advice, Ray, it’s all about the journey

    If I may offer some more advice for Dick Weed from the great Etta James: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dh4v1-QcAzE&feature=fvw or how about from Aretha: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0XAI-PFQcA&feature=related

    Mind you, if Dick Weed is only looking for is a little “slam, bam, thank you Ma’am” on the road, none of our advice will do any good, small penis or not. Maybe he just wants to emulate the Fireman: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSrDf86hxeo

  • Gary

    March 3, 2010

    So this is what it’s come to, Harvey? Cunnilinguous and Cock Pumps?

  • Ray

    March 4, 2010

    I don’t know, Gary. First you’ll have to tell me what “Cunnilinguous” is.

  • Dave Cochrane

    March 4, 2010

    Absolutely. There’s a phrase I’ve heard which goes something like “The most important sexual organ is the brain.”
    Granted that’s easy for me to say, given that I’m hung like a horse (I empathise with you, Ray). But all the same, there is certainly wisdom in that saying.

    And remember: sex doesn’t have to be dirty. But it can be, if it’s done right.

  • Ray

    March 6, 2010

    My dear Mr. COCKrane,

    I think that latter thing may be the best thing I’ve heard all day — and that’s saying a lot, considering the day I’ve had.

    Thank you for dropping by.

  • Ryan

    April 26, 2010

    i have the same problem as you. im a chubby man with a 6inch hard penis. but that dosent stop me wanking it hard everyday does it? and my boyfriend still takes it up his ass. mate penis size does not matter. its how you use it. so go get your self a night out and fuck like there’s no tomorrow! :) xx

  • Ray

    April 26, 2010

    Ryan, you’ve committed the cardinal sin: you’ve been vulgar without being clever.

  • Nick

    April 26, 2010

    Personally, I think “Mr. CockRain” would have been better.

    And he stole that quote from Woody Allen!

  • Ann

    October 8, 2010

    I think a man’s penis any size shouldn’t matter. But, I prefer a small penis over a large one because it’s simple and not so large. I enjoy a man better without so much thrust. The thrust of a man penis tha he considers small I consider perfect…

  • sexwars

    July 15, 2011

    sad true;/

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